Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I've reached some kind of point in my life.

What do you do if you're 23 years old and you still have no idea what you want to become? That's like a question everyone asks me, and if I don't know, does that make me a loser? I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I am completely clueless about what I want to do. I'm also afraid that I'll end up doing something I hate.

Right now I feel like I've wasted my whole life. I had no idea what I wanted to become in high school, which apparently is "the only chance you get to decide". It's such a cliché but I wish I could do it over again, just with my current brain, because at this point, I feel more motivated to learn than when I was in high school and it's really frustrating. What I did was I focused on what was fun at that point. I was horribly bad at math, biology and all the "important" things. And even though I tried to do good, I didn't try hard enough. The only class I got top grades in was English, because I really liked it. But what use is that, right? That's what I think now. I just regret my lack of motivation and my lack of having a dream of what I wanted in life.

I've been into drawing since I was little, though. And I drew a whole lot in high school. Heck, at that point I did so much comics, and they were all so much better than now because I had the right inspiration, because my mind wasn't "mature" enough. I guess when you mature you become more boring..for my part, at least. I'm not saying I am boring, I just feel that my comics were funnier when I was younger, and people could relate more to them. I still love to do comics now, but I miss my old inspirations, even though I know I have to grow up and get on with my life. I kept thinking I wanted to become a comic artist. That was the only thing I could think of when people asked me what I want to become, but of course now I've figured that living of comics is crazy hard, nearly impossible, unless you're REALLY good..leveled with like..Will Eisner or people like that.

When I got out of high school I guess I wanted to pursue my creativity, so I started a private school with Graphic Design. I took a bunch of student loans for one year, and basically I feel that was SUCH a waste of money. It was fun and everything, our teacher was great, but I just had that nagging feeling that this was something I couldn't do, because mostly I based the tasks we got on my style, which is very limited. Plus, I learned almost nothing that I couldn't have learned by myself without spending thousands of moneys, speaking of photoshop, illustrator and such. In the end I got scared that if I became a graphic designer my creativity would get tapped out, or that I'd be too monotone with my work. And I'm the kind of person that gets easily scared if there is the slightest thing that would be unstable. Because what I want, is a stable job..that I can actually DO. I have a lot of art blocks and I'm worried that would affect my work in that case.

So, then I quit graphic design after one year, with the title "design consultant". I guess that sounds better than it is.

After that I had no idea what to do, and since I felt I needed to do SOMETHING, I started university, studying media science. To me, in later years, this seems like the kind of education people take because they have crappy grades and because it's the easiest way. Or maybe that's just me, I don't know. But you don't know till you've tried, right? That's what I was thinking at least. And it turned out I really hated it. It's so incredibly dull. But when I had started on a bachelor's degree, why should I quit? Especially since I have that relentless thing for not knowing what I want to be.

So now I kinda just feel that I've wasted three years doing something I find really boring. And I feel like a failure for it. Lately I've started thinking that I want to be able to work with animals. Or, well, I've loved animals all my life, but only on rare occasions did I think of becoming, like, a vet or something, mostly because a life (or several lives) would depend on me. It would be just like becoming a doctor. And I don't know how I would feel if someone put their life in my hands. I do realize, though, that I really want to work with animals, and I have no idea how to achieve that. So here I am, just clueless again. I can't start another education now, because I only have four years of support left from out educational loan fund and my grades aren't nearly good enough to be able to get accepted to a vet school, or at tech school. If not a vet, I think I could be a vet tech. But it's too late for that now. I'm just stuck in this dilemma that I have to find a job related to an education I find boring, so I kinda have a feeling that the job would also be boring..but I don't know of course. I've heard I could get like, a job writing articles or..something. To be honest I have not the faintest idea what I can do with a media science bachelor. I just don't know if that's what I want to do.

I just felt like writing this down somewhere..and I assume that not too many people read my blog ( despite my many I don't blame you though. I rarely have anything interesting to say, because I never know what to write. But I guess on some occasions it's nice to have a place to just relieve yourself of whatever you're feeling no matter if people read it or

It DOES make me feel uncomfortable, because I don't want to be seen as a failure. But then again, I should stop caring so much about what people think and just do my thing.

Monday, September 27, 2010


I was watching the first episode of Dexter season 5 yesterday. It was a sad episode..I liked Rita. I keep getting struck by how different the characters are from the books and I sometimes imagine how the show would be if they followed the books more, but then again, I guess they need way more drama in a TV-show xD
There is just a little this and that I miss from the books that isn't in the show.

I finished the 5th book the other day, too. I can't make up my mind if I liked it or not. At least (SPOILER ALERT) I think the whole vampire business was pretty stupid, and I can't believe Jeff Lindsay had to bring up Twilight. I can't really express myself enough how tired I am of hearing "Twilight, Twilight, Twilight"..and, in risk of talking too much about it myself, I will shut it :P

Looking at the Dexter merchandise on Showtime's official website gave me a good laugh though. What's with the butt looking Dexter figures? His face looks retarded! Well, most action figures based on a real human usually look retarded..which makes me wonder who would buy that crap..

"DURR HURR, I'm Dexter, check out my grinch face"


I finally got my own blog design. Man, my shoulder really hurts from sitting in front of the computer and drawing for hours and hours. I have a habit of hunching my back when I draw, so I guess I have myself to thank~

I've been drawing a lot lately..not comics, but other things. I'm currently working on a piece which will be a gift and it's taken me over 12 hours now I think. I'm not finished either..I feel I have a lot left on it, but hopefully it will look good when it's done :3

Also, I've gotten a lot of commissions, which I really appreciate! It's great to have something to do when I have no inspiration. Kinda short on the comic part lately though, since I feel so "experimental" But I'm going to make this "Hater's gonna hate" comic with Rip which will be a new addition to the McMorbid series.

You know what I keep thinking about lately though? Something that's bothering me, is that things I spend a crazy lot of time working on get less than half the attention my other work does. And when I say "other work", I mean work I've spent way less time doing. It's kinda annoying cause there you are, finished with a, say, 10 hour drawing and you're so proud and excited to show it to the world and then you barely get any feedback on it. I do understand how, for example, less popular artists on deviantART feel when they've spent so much time on a picture and end up getting no feedback on it. As so many people say, there are way too many great artists who absolutely do not get half of the attention they deserve. On another note, though, I do get really tired of people asking me why I am so popular when there are other people more deserving of the attention I get, because I am fully aware of that o . o

I'm gonna try keeping my blog more updated, I'm just so bad at writing because I always feel I have so much to say, but when I sit down to write in my blog I never know what to write. Ironic, isn't it?

I just want you guys to know that I'm not dead or anything. I guess that my followers on deviantART are fully aware of that, but you never know :3

Have a cupcake! n w n